Monday, May 28, 2012


I'm listening to Ott Lepplands "Öö" and all the suddenly my thoughts wandered off.
My colleague asked me about my entrance exams to the theater academy today. "You must be so excited?!" she asked. Of course I'm excited, I am bloody thrilled! But once we were done talking I started to think about it. Why am I not happier about this? Think about it, they chose me from among 340 other people, they chose me to go to the final exams, to see if I am the person they want to accept to their school. Why am I not jumping with joy every single day when I wake up?

I know that acting and singing is what I want to do. I feel like I was born to do it, even if I might not be born with the talent and skills for it. But I can remember being 5 years old, sitting on the couch and singing along to my favorite songs while pretending to perform in front of an audience. I've been "acting" to songs in my head as if I were in a movie or music video for as long as I can remember. I have dreamed about acting all my life, but now when I actually have a chance to open the door to that world and get a degree in acting, I have doubts. Why now, why the hell do I have to doubt now?!

I know I have to get a proper education and have something to fall back on if my dreams and plans don't turn out the way I want. But actually accepting that life might not go like planned scares the shit out of me. I have such big dreams and plans that I'd love to execute, but letting go of the past and the way my life used to be = the hardest thing imaginable for me. And I hate it.
I wish I could just throw myself out there, grab every oportunity on the way and see the world while living my life to the fullest. But here I am, big chicken afraid of opening my eyes to the reality and dealing with my crap instead of burying myself under the covers and listening to depressing music on repeat. I miss home, I miss going to high school, I miss spending time at the stable untill all my clothes smelled of stable and I found hay inside my phone.
I hate having to choose between the stable - and all that it includes - and my love and passion for acting. It's the hardest decision there is for me, and I still haven't made up my mind about it. I know I will never let go of horses and riding, it's such a big part of my life, and a life without horses just ain't worth living, easy as that. But I know I don't have what it takes to make it in the equestrian world as a professional, it just won't happen, I know it. I wish I had the determination and talent for that, but I don't. Simple as that. But I still can't let go of Hestbakki and the life I "left behind" there when I moved to Tallinn. ( losing the love of my life - Ófeigur at the same time didn't exactly make it easier either... )

Scheiße I'm getting carried away here... When it comes to dealing with all this hesitation and insecurity about life, there is no stopping me once I get rolling, sorry 'bout that.

What I think I wanted to say with all this is that I am in a very insecure place right now, without any sense of direction and absolutely no clue about what the hell I am doing. My heart wants 15 different things at once, and I don't know wether I want to keep on listening to it at the moment... It's exhausting and very hard to satisfy a heart that's never done changing it mind, that f*cker....

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